I’ve mostly been thin, but I’ve gained weight over the “sabbatical” (no school and no job) that I’ve been on since May 2010.

it seems impossible to give up stuff.

I know nobody said that it was easy.

I can’t shame myself into dropping soft drinks entirely.

I record it all, of course.

I write down the place I ate at (Lunch and dinner), and on two lines underneath how many cups of soda I had and if I had something else.  There’s a whole system.  “INO” means I had a shake at In-N-Out; “Frosty” at Wendy’s; “MCD” for a frappe or mocha at McDonald’s; “SB” for a Starbucks drink and “SBD” for a bottled SB drink; “COT” for Cherry on Top etc.

There have been no days this year that the last two rows are empty.  If I didn’t have soda, I had a drink at McDonald’s, Starbucks, or a boba somewhere.

At least i don’t drink juice anymore

I used to think that shit was healthy for you.

Month by month, I’m gradually moving from a healthy BMI to getting to be overweight.

I gotta do something to stop that, and stop that now.

I’m officially persona non grata over on a forum that I really liked.

I’m mad.

At myself.

I should have never let myself be emotionally invested in any forum.  Anything.  Everything on the Web.  It needs to be taken with cool, detached behavior.  Otherwise you just get screwed.  I don’t know these people, for god’s sake. They’re all pseudonyms, some more than others.

The admin just went off on me.  I thought he was a really cool person.  I still do.  But I don’t feel welcome on the forum anymore.  I expect to be pillared with negative reputation because he won’t post any more sets due to what i did, which was a mere correction of spelling of one of the model’s names.

I like to group all these faux passes and other quirky behavior as under the Asperger syndrome umbrella.  I don’t want to use it as an excuse, even though it may see that way.  I’m so normal, but then I say something and then it seems like I’m using it as a shield against criticism.

I’m not.

It’s just the way I am.

And I wish I could change that.

Two years into my “sabbatical.”

No motivation.

Depressed.

A handful of job applications. 

i swear I’m not paranoid.  I don’t feel that i push people away intentionally, but maybe it’s by design.  God damned stupid dumb design.

 I’m taking a course now at a community college.

 I’m lucky to have parents who aren’t pressuring me too fast to enter the workplace.

 My information gathering skills will never be respected because of the clumsy, erratic way in which I like to disseminate the information.

 I’m stuck in the middle with you.

Me.

The other side of me.  Almost as if I was bipolar.  I can be sweet and nice on one hand, but on the other, inflict untold damage by being too brash and honest.

 I don’t know why I’m posting here.